twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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