I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I wear drunk well.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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