are you still at the devil's house?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize