Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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