She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
