and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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