On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Shame - the story of my life.
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