My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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