Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
