i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
