I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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