haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
