babies were throwing up all over the place
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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