do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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