I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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