I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize