let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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