I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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