I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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