On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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