i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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