I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
