you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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