Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You may now shotgun with the bride
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
