I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
His nipple licking is glorious
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