Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
