this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
