Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
