i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There's always time for handjobs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
