I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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