his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
