Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
