Joe is yelling at the trees again.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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