I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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