; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
