I bet he comes in French.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
