Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't deserve a penis
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
