I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
