Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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