you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
