I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's shark week go big or go home
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
