Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
