Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Alive.
So much puke
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
