i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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