When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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