my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
