You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
