Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
