1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
