I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
