i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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