Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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