I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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