i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
