i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
