I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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